Erotic Fiction Tips, or I’ll Give You A Tip (Boner)

Res Nova hasn’t always been the paradigm of literary and journalistic virtue you now hold in your hands. We used to print under the name Pedicabo and chances are, if you purchased erotic fiction at an Exxon between Little Rock, Arkansas and Topeka, Kansas in the mid-nineties, it had the Pedicabo label. As the chief editor, I have read and written some of the most breath-takingly ballslapping bonetastic erotic work of the mid-nineties. Due to the recent glut of erotic fiction submissions that have crashed my email, I would like to give some tips to you amateurs, because I tire of the endless face palming. Please, please heed my advice and your abominative (More like aboneinative, am I right?) coupling of Spock and Jafar set in Waterworld will look like For Whom the Bell Bones.

1) It’s hard to be creative: Get some serious boning done before you even put pen to paper.

It’s hard to use mere words to describe some of the literary abortions that have smeared across my desk. It’s like some people have never spent several sweaty days and nights holed up in a rank motel somewhere near Reno with a sinus destroying pile of coke, horse tranqs and 4 or 5 Kansas runaways hitch hiking to L.A whom you have thoroughly convinced that you are an agent. You don’t have to tell me that erotic fiction (EroFic for the rest of the article, I am profoundly lazy) is not about realism and that people can’t with live my life of the fuck first fuck questions later attitude all the time, but if your life has been so sad that you have never even watched porn in a sodden couch then perhaps you should just read another chapter of Twilight.
Example of erotic fiction written by someone who has never even had sex on the back of a tiger (I totally have):

“As the sun was setting, David awoke in the laundrette. He heard the sift sounds of moaning coming from the back room “ooohhh aaaahhh”. He immediately felt uncomfortable. He was not used to such intense feelings and his manhood tingled with anticipation. He slowly got up and walked towards the door - he could not be forsaken against his religious order, and hung his head as he knew he would spend the last night of his sabbatical alone wondering about the intimate details of Bethany.”

You see here is the problem, David is clearly a priest. Priests as a rule cannot be into anything that doesn’t look good in a Tee Ball uniform. All you got here is pitiful anticipation with no release. And in EroFic you want release, everywhere. Here is some better EroFic from my first novel, The Curious Cock of Ben-jamming Butt-in.

“Under the hot Louisiana sun nothing moves in the afternoon. Excepting me and the fattest hooker in the French Quarter, the love of my lunch break, Susan One-Eye.”

See what I did there, I made screwing fantastical. I made the impossible possible. How you ask? Because I am one lusty glance from boning at any given moment. At the merest suggestion of sex I am erect and quite probably ejaculating. That is how impossible comes (hehe) to be. It is also why I can’t go back to Denver International.

2) Get it right, get it tight. Change it up.

We all know about missionary, doggie, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, the Arabian cockslide, the twist-and-shout, and this week’s favorite, Bumper Cars. But you gotta vary it a bit; you gotta keep the reader’s attention. Always ask yourself, do the readers want more hookers or fatter. All you have to do is what I do whenever I feel like I am losing someone’s attention: Surprise Butt Play; which brings me right up to number 3.

3) Don’t get too detailed.

EroFic is about two bodies going at it. Hard. Like your mother and I. Turns of phrases like “slipped her hand gently but firmly into my loins” and “I wished only that she would allow me entry into the dirtiest of places” are trite, cliché and should be avoided. Try replacing them with something like “I really wanted to plow her ass” or “she grabbed my cock and I was all like, “I am going to utterly destroy that vag. Like you don’t even know yet…”’. See what I did there, it was artful and to the point, like an embroidered dildo. Plow means screw and you can’t even conceive of what I am going to do to that vag.

Remember, character development is for chumps who write love stories. We deal in furious hardcore humping. Love is a dime a dozen, a transcendental 45 minute romp in a K-mart bathroom is forever, or at least the herpes is.

4) Don’t be afraid to be realistic.

Hollywood has shown us that a gritty reboot is an excellent substitute for content. If you want your stories to be taken seriously you need more grit than The Road fighting in a desert on a sandstorm against Clint Eastwood with gravel catapults.

“The maid wore a surprisingly stereotypical maid outfit- not the first time on this world that he had noted clothing similar to that worn back home. She had short, wavy brown hair and a nice smile, but her brown eyes looked bright and almost feverish. Was she drunk, he wondered? Or stoned maybe?”

I suppose you should get some background for this story. This is the tag line, “Do aphrodisiacs work on demons, anyway?” This is a story about an alchemist who basically date-rapes a demon in a maid outfit in some fantasy universe that we, the collective, non-heavy-mouth-breathers have a whole lot of trouble connecting with.

Here is a gritty reboot of the whole premise.

‘“Does this rag smell like ether?” I asked the vaguely Latina house cleaner.
“Que…” And she was out like a light.”’

I am going to leave it to the reader to fill in what happens next but it is sweaty and involves picking hair out of teeth.


5) Gang-bangs are curiously absent from most non tentacle-hentai related EroFic.

Seriously, what’s with that? Just sayin’.

Well there you have it. 5 easily followed rules that will take your EroFic from horrifying to whorrific.

And please if you have any questions or comments, please facebook, email, write, or call our editors. They do not mind.

A special thanks to Morgan Flagg who acted as a consultant and confidant in my quest for tasteful word boning.